The Consolation of Fear

    I stood in a dark room and not even a figment of light streamed through the big open window on the back wall. The sky was bare, the stars did not shine, and the moon did not reflect the sun. A looming shadow crossed the threshold and stared across the room at me. I stood next to the open window, searching for even the smallest fragment of light. I wondered how the shadow appeared darker than the room if there was not any light. The shadow seemed to approach me, but every time I turned to face it- the shadow stayed stationary in the same position I remembered it starting in. Or did it? I could not remember and sat on the floor to gather my thoughts together. The shadow easily slid over next to me and grew as big as the room. It completely engulfed me, closing the open window behind me with its murky sighs. It looked as if the shadow was not merely a silhouette, but had some sort of substance attached to it. Trying to achieve a slow, even pace of breathing, I sat on the floor and hugged my knees.

“Who are you?” I asked. 

“Who do you think I am?” the massive shadow asked. 

“You are the biggest problem I have ever faced. You have completely overtaken my entire character from the very basis of who I am to everything that affects me even at a minor level. Fear, you are Fear,” I stated. 

At this revelation, the shadow shrunk slightly, and little black wisps flew out a small crack in the window. A glimmer of light seemed to be trying to swallow the little wisps. Unfortunately, the wisps became very angry and made the light disappear by devouring it. 

“Where is the light?” I tried to step through the shadow, but tripped over its leg. 

“Light?” it asked. “I don’t remember much of it. I see more light, sometimes, but usually it’s dark. Usually, people are afraid in a paralyzing way. Much like you. However, there have been a few occasions where people reacted to me well and in a healthy way.” 

I looked up at it surprised, its eyes turned brown, and it shrank to the half the size of the room. 

“Why did your eyes change colors?” I asked. 

“You didn’t notice my eyes before; they have always been brown. Anyway, I’m not really a shadow either, you know. Why haven’t you left the room yet?” it questioned me back. 

“You shut the window.”

“The door is open,” Fear sat down cross-legged in front of me. She was just as big as me now. 

“I don’t want to go out there because the world is ugly and cruel. This room is much safer,” I responded.

“No, you’re trapped. I should not keep you from living.” Fear grew bigger again and loomed across the window. She continued blocking the window, but she was right. The heavy door was wide open. I faced the door and Fear looked out the window, her eyes swelling with tears as she quoted Boethius:

The darkness then began to lift as the night frayed, / or perhaps my eyes cleared and recovered their powers. / We have beheld the menacing northwest winds pile up / masses of rain clouds that blacken the skies / and hide the light of the sun. The stars have not yet appeared, / but daylight is utterly gone. And then a fresh / north wind from Aeolus’s cave comes sweeping down to clear / the illusion of night and restore the shining sun / to its proper place in the sky in a glorious afternoon / that invigorates and dazzles our grateful eyes. (6-7)

I swiveled my head around and peered past the shadow to the single star now shining in the night sky. I felt exactly like Boethius did when he responded to Lady Philosophy’s consolation: “It was exactly like that sudden dispersal of clouds on a dark day with the rays of sun pouring down again” (7). The star acted as a thousand rays of sun in that moment, and I recognized that Fear was not only my worst enemy, but for the first time in my life, I realized she was also my best friend. 

“Light,” I said, “I finally see light!” The shadow dissipated, and Fear infused me. The star twinkled kindly at me when I shut the window. I smiled back, waving goodbye. Then, I walked over the threshold and out the door. It was time to face the world with a healthy fear.